When I think about low self-esteem, I think of someone who does not like their outward appearance. Someone who maybe thinks that they are fat and ugly, that their skin is dull and spotty. Someone who wants to hide away because when they look at themselves in the mirror and they are disgusted by the reflection they seestaring back at them.

But my kind of low self-esteem is different.

I can look in the mirror and accept what I see.

Sure, there are days when I beg with myself to just try and drop few pounds. And days when I wish my skin tone was more even and the marks of acne was not visible.

But mostly I am OK with myself.

The part of myself that I struggle with, is the real me. The core of me. The person I am.

And I have struggled with who she is for a long, long time.

I guess you could say that I struggle with my self-worth. Because I do not value myself.

And some days it is OK. Some days I play the fake it until you make it. I am good at that. I am good at putting on my confidence, mask and taking on the world. I am good at acting out the person I do like to be, of making the world see me in a certain light.

There are the other days. Days like today, maybe. Days when I wake up and I do not want to put my mask on. Days where I want to sit on a silent beach on my own and watch the waves. Days where I want to be alone with my head and my own pity for myself.

I spend a lot of time wondering why I hate myself so much. I wonder when it started and how it grew. And I wonder if it will go on forever.

The issue with hating yourself is that some days you can handle it and some days you cannot and on the days when you can not, it is hard to speak to anyone – even those closest to you.

And so itis easiest to gloss over it. To pretend you are fine when actually, you are not. Nothing, because this is something you have spent an eternity living with and so really, nothing new is wrong, and everything because it is everything. It impacts the whole way your world spins around.

Which is perhaps why I do not talk about it. Because it is easier to keep it inside, rather than to try to put a lifetime of emotions into words.

So maybe this is a post for anyone else who struggles with the person they are, who often feels like they are pushing against a wave that is threatening to overcome them.

The world is tough, life is hard, but then again, so are you.