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My Thoughts

The Truth about Low Self-Esteem

When I think about low self-esteem, I think of someone who does not like their outward appearance. Someone who maybe thinks that they are fat and ugly, that their skin is dull and spotty. Someone who wants to hide away because when they look at themselves in the mirror and they are disgusted by the reflection they seestaring back at them.

But my kind of low self-esteem is different.

I can look in the mirror and accept what I see.

Sure, there are days when I beg with myself to just try and drop few pounds. And days when I wish my skin tone was more even and the marks of acne was not visible.

But mostly I am OK with myself.

The part of myself that I struggle with, is the real me. The core of me. The person I am.

And I have struggled with who she is for a long, long time.

I guess you could say that I struggle with my self-worth. Because I do not value myself.

And some days it is OK. Some days I play the fake it until you make it. I am good at that. I am good at putting on my confidence, mask and taking on the world. I am good at acting out the person I do like to be, of making the world see me in a certain light.

There are the other days. Days like today, maybe. Days when I wake up and I do not want to put my mask on. Days where I want to sit on a silent beach on my own and watch the waves. Days where I want to be alone with my head and my own pity for myself.

I spend a lot of time wondering why I hate myself so much. I wonder when it started and how it grew. And I wonder if it will go on forever.

The issue with hating yourself is that some days you can handle it and some days you cannot and on the days when you can not, it is hard to speak to anyone – even those closest to you.

And so itis easiest to gloss over it. To pretend you are fine when actually, you are not. Nothing, because this is something you have spent an eternity living with and so really, nothing new is wrong, and everything because it is everything. It impacts the whole way your world spins around.

Which is perhaps why I do not talk about it. Because it is easier to keep it inside, rather than to try to put a lifetime of emotions into words.

So maybe this is a post for anyone else who struggles with the person they are, who often feels like they are pushing against a wave that is threatening to overcome them.

The world is tough, life is hard, but then again, so are you.

December 20, 2018 0 comment

My Thoughts

When Stress Silently Sneaks Up On You

These days I am under the wraps of stress as recently I have started working as a freelancer so this means less sleep and more work not only that my daughter has graduated from baby to toddler now she needs my time more and entertainment I have to teach her so many things plus I have endless house chores (I have recently shifted to a new place still kind of adjusting as I am not good with change). With a million things going around every day is a struggle. My mind is working 24/7 even in sleep, I make tomorrow’s to-do list.

So yesterday, when I took my daughter for a playdate there a mother asked me if I was doing okay as I looked pale, it hit me then since last month I am jiggling around things, I am forgetting things more often, dropping and breaking things, bumping into strangers with a stroller on their feet! In short, I am in great stress.

I know I am a bit clumsy but this, this flailing person is not me.

After coming home from playdate I put my daughter to sleep. I took shower, made a cup of coffee and sat on the sofa and switched off. I absorbed myself in a world, in a life, that was not about the internet, work or even about people. Just about me.

Sometimes I forget that I exist on my own.

When you genuinely enjoy what you do, your office is also your home, the line between work and downtime often gets very blurry.

I am always good at creating a balance between work and home or I was but this self-employment thing is new to me and I am getting carried away.

I think sometimes we do not realize, even if we love something, it can also be stressful for us.

Life is not about working yourself to the ground. It is not about constantly seeking more. It is about good health and less stress; it is about happiness. Do not let your ambition blind you. Let it guide you, challenge you, but do not let it bind you to everything else around you.

October 22, 2018 3 comments

My Thoughts

Time To Take A Break From Social Media

Today my apartment air-conditioning stop working and if you live in Abu Dhabi you can imagine how summers are here… and imagine my condition in it with a toddler. I called my apartment management they said after a few hours they will send somebody. Instead of sitting at home, I packed my baby bag, wore jeans and shirt, flip fop and went to the nearby mall.

As I entered the mall, the cold breeze of air-conditioning felt heavenly… I ordered ice-latte at Starbucks while sitting there and seeing people moving from here to there – just sitting there and doing nothing felt soo good. Being away from everything – what I meant to say is that recently I am re-finding my passion for writing and somehow in all this, I am losing my ability to switch off my mind when I hit the pillow.

On social media, it is easy to get overwhelmed by the likes, comments, shares on social media but not easy to detach from it. Sometimes it makes you motivated and gives you the feeling of ‘YES” you can do it and it is a good thing.

Sometimes or mostly I should say, it does the opposite and slowing you start self-comparison with others. Wow, she went on holidays how exciting her life is! He had this for dinner, why I get fewer likes on my picture am I ugly? Or nobody likes me….

I think what I am trying to say is that for a lot of us the internet has tangled itself into our emotional wellbeing.

And, once you have acknowledged that to yourself, it’s easier to find balance. To see when your body and brain needs to step back and connect to the real world again. Go for a walk, meet a friend, or don’t use the phone before going to bed, to bring a balance between physical living and virtual living.

By doing this, in forcing yourself to switch off, only for a few hours or a day, I think you will start to gain perspective on life.

I think you will like it.

May 30, 2018 0 comment

My Thoughts

The World Doesn’t Revolve Around Me

I used to be a vaguely less decent person. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a bad person I was just, well, a bit involved with myself. My childhood and teenage years weren’t the simplest.

And because of this, I grew into a young adult with a bit of a victim mentality. A mentality that said well if I can make a decent living from zero than why the hell can’t the rest of you?

Perhaps I lacked compassion or empathy.

I was too busy giving myself a pat on the back for my own successes that I forgot to remind myself: the world doesn’t revolve around me.

I was frequently judging complete strangers for not having the drive to do the things they wanted to do most. And I admit I am still not great at handling people who think the world owes them something – I strongly believe that if you want something in life, you should go out there and get it, rather than sit around and do nothing about it except just complaining about how life being unfair to you.

But last year, something changed inside me. Maybe it was my pregnancy or it was finding myself, for the first time in life I realized that we live in such a world where everyone is busy in bringing down one another and how horrible we can be to strangers especially on social media.

It made me think that we have a choice in life whether we continue doing what we are doing or help each other, support each other and build a better world.

Because life is already hard and painful enough. We are that generation that doesn’t know their neighbors, who don’t speak to fellow travelers on public transport and often doesn’t provide help to people for fear of the way it will be taken.

What we can do is to try to look at the world from other people’s shoes from time to time too.

Showing kindness is one of the greatest things we can do and it does not cost much. We need to be nicer to each other and we need to think more about helping each other – not just ourselves.

It’s time that we make little differences in people’s lives and days.

Come on let’s go make a difference.

May 22, 2018 2 comments

My Thoughts

Your first priority should be yourself

Priority, a difficult word for me and prioritizing myself first was never easy for me I always put the needs of others before my own. I always said “yes” when I really wanted to say “no.” I didn’t know how to emphasize myself without coming across as rude.

I lied to myself, about my feelings, saying I felt fine when I didn’t, and pretending not to care about rejections in life, always keeping a happy face for others. Many mornings, I did not bother to look myself in the mirror as I was disappointed in myself.

In the process of making myself priority I had to believe in myself and understand that without meeting my own needs, I would never be happy and best in any relationship.

I started with valuing my feelings and become more focus on my physical and mental health. The more I listened myself the more I become successful in taking decisions. Because it helped me to work on my self-esteem and eliminating negativity from my life.

The second change I made was surrounded myself with positive people, whose has a positive approach to life and made me feel worthy and boost my confidence.

In order to become the best versions of myself, I changed my perspective on life, filled my life with laughter and enjoyment. And there is no shame in prioritizing your happiness first.

April 18, 2018 0 comment

My Thoughts

The power of Belief

In my life, many times I felt lost and had no energy of moving forward it is like as I was stuck in a black hole where everything was constant.

I had gone into the depression so many times that people around me did not notice as I was functioning normally, but for me, every day was same, I gave up on life, I knew my life would never be going to get better no matter how hard I try. So instead of trying harder, I accepted my defeat.

Weeks converted into months and months converted into years. In meanwhile I graduated from high school to college, even there at college I was same, did not have any friends as I did not talk to anyone I used to go college, attend classes and went home straight.

During my free time at home, I started reading books in order to avoid human connection. I was reading “By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept”, by Paulo Coelho. This book changed everything for me. It brought a huge impact on my life. The book gave me the courage to take chances in life and helped me to find inner happiness which was not easy and How I found my inner happiness it is another story which I will tell you someday

I stopped self- doubting myself and started thinking positive making myself believe that ‘yes I can do this’. Every day in the morning after brushing my teeth I used to assign myself little assignments mostly they were about talking to people and improving my grades. Then I used to say while looking in the mirror ” I can do this.” five to six times.

As I started believing myself little things started to change and my mind started working towards it. I never realized that how these little exercises bought a positive change in my life.

March 14, 2018 0 comment